The Return of Lusk

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The Return of Lusk was an event which saw the return of Lusk to the land of the living, and his re-installment as Koung of Storsvenska Riket.

Furthermore, Lusk's return caused the historical state of Storsvenska Riket having two Koungar at once, with Radam Smetenskij retaining the other Koungship.


After being obliterated by Bane of Brechin during the Steam Trading Card Crisis, Lusk was thought to be finally dead and Radam took his place as Koung. Radam improved on Lusk's ideas of racism and injustice for a strong Swedish Empire, and ruled Sweden peacefully for the next three months.

Lusk returns

On October 20, 2013, miners in Kiruna encountered a fridge buried under rocks. When they opened the fridge, they found Lusk who had re-materialized into the world by unknown means. Lusk stepped out of the fridge and declared himself the True Koung of Storsvenska Riket, and named Radam pretender. He then went straight to Castle Börran in Easthammer to challenge Radam.

The challenge

Radam was surprised to see Lusk but was not about to give up his new rulership. He called upon his guards to seize Lusk and finish him with two fast shots. Lusk was too fast however, and easily slit all the attackers' throats with his little finger. Radam ordered his guards to seize attacking and levitated down to Lusk, intending to finish him himself, Güissön style. As Lusk started charging a Hellfire Roar of Rage and Radam started conjuring up a Son of the Sun Aura, the Dodo Pope arrived and screamed "OOOOOOOOUUUUUHHH!!!", which caused time around Radam and Lusk to freeze.

The Dodo Pope explained that an all-out war for control of the Storsvenska Riket would leave the Kingdom in ruin and that their encounter had been orchestrated by Putin, who then intended to move in and conquer the weakened Storsvenska Riket. Putin had constructed the anti-dematerilization device, disguised as a fridge, and placed it at the best place for recollecting Lusk's particles and rebuilding him on Swedish ground, knowing he would declare war on Radam following his resurrection. The Dodo Pope once again stressed the importance of continued peace, and the screamed "!!!HHHUUUUUOOOOOOOO", which started the timestream again.

As time started again, the onlookers stood confused, wondering why Lusk and Radam didn't start fighting. The two combatants exited their fighting positions and came to an understanding that there would be no full-scale civil war for rulership of Sweden. When Radam asked how they could possibly decide who the Koung should be without bloodshed, one of the onlookers spoke up. Speaking with a German accent, the newcomer presented an old tome he'd found in Ontsby. The tome described the ancient Contest of Special, which was used to decide leadership of a nation and that Storsvenska Riket had adopted into it's book of law in 1567. Radam and Lusk both agreed to compete in the Contest of Special instead of making war, to which the German replied: "Excellent."

The Contest of Special

The next day, the contest started. The first task was the Test of Strength, which would be decided by armwrestling. Radam and Lusk took their places, and not a second after the referee had started the match, Lusk had already twisted Radam's arm into the table with a sickening crunch. Radam now defeated and with a broken arm, Lusk waved his fist triumphantly to the cheers of onlookers.

The second task was the Test of Perception. The task was to identify symbols located three hundred meters away. As Radam was configuring his ZoomView3000+ glasses, Lusk slapped them out of his hand and stepped on them, the malfunctioning glasses sending out sparks from under Lusk's heel as he smiled mockingly. Lusk, being blessed with the eyes of a hawk, easily won the test while Radam stumbled around half-blind, ordering a servant to go repair his glasses.

The third task was the Test of Endurance. The task would be decided by launching human-sized rocks at the contesters, and see who could endure most without falling down. Radam was first out, and took three rocks without much trouble. Soon enough his endurance started to fade though, and as the eight rock exploded on impact Radam was sent flying to the ground, defeated. Lusk laughed and stepped into place. He took 8 rocks without breaking a sweat. As the crowd cheered, he urged the workers to keep going, and continued to endure rocks until the count was 58 and the rock-launching machine malfunctioned. Furiously ordering the workers to fix it, the German persuaded him to let go and continue the contest.

The Test of Charisma had the contesters tasked with holding a speech to a crowd of journalists, argumenting over why they would make the best Koung. Having won 3 out of 7 tests, Lusk took his victory for granted and spent most of this task boasting and gloating. Radam, having mastered politics on Coruscant, won the crowd over with his charismatic speech and had the journalists cheering "KOUNG! KOUNG! KOUNG!" loudly when he was finished. The referees gave Radam the victory.

The fifth task was the Test of Intelligence. The contesters were given basic IQ tests to perform within a time limit. Radam and Lusk wrote down answers and attempted to shove in star-shaped pieces into square-shaped holes. When the test was over and the results were in, Radam had beaten Lusk with a large marginal and was the victor. Though the referees noted that both contesters performed incredibly poorly, barely reaching the average results of children.

The sixth test was the Test of Agility. The rock-launching machine had been repaired, as had Radam's glasses. This time, the rocks would be launched at super-speed, and the goal was to avoid them. Radam easily avoided the rocks despite his broken arm for 10 minutes, where the referees stopped the clock and decided it was Lusk's turn. When the first rock was launched, Lusk simply stood his ground and let the rock smash into his chest. The German angrily ordered Lusk to dodge the rocks. When the next rock was launched, Lusk again stood still but this time he smashed it with his fist before it could reach his body. The German buried his face in his palm as the referees announced Radam to be the victor.

The current result a draw, the seventh and final test would decide who would rule over Storsvenska Riket. The Test of Luck started to the cheers of the crowd. The referees announced that a surprise guest would have the honor of determining who the next Koung of Storsvenska Riket would be: Two-Face. As Two-Face made his way to Radam and Lusk, the crowd angrily booed the American. Two-Face presented his coin and let it be known that the good side meant Radam would continue to rule; the bad side meant Lusk would take over. The former District Attorney flipped his coin as the crowd held their breath. He catched it, and looked at for a moment. He then drew his gun and shot Radam at point-blank range. Radam crashed to the ground, defeated.

The Finale

The crowd went nuts, and the German, presenting himself as Dr. Löef, raised Lusk's hand while shouting "KOUNG!!!". The crowd exclaimed "LUSK! LUSK! LUSK! LUSK! LUSK!" and people started waving around movie posters from The Return of the King.
Lusk cleared his throat. "I am the one true Koung, and Macht Löef will henceforth be my Högsta Administratör", he said, and suddenly started speaking in an English accent. "Guards! Seize this traitor, and execute him! Immediately!" he said while pointing at Radam. As guards moved in on Radam, the fallen Koung reached into his pocket. "Nay!" he shouted. "JAK... AER... KOUNG!!!" Radam drew forth a withered parchment, colored red from his bloodied hand. "True, the Contest of Special decides who is the true ruler. I remember as much from when we introduced it into the book of law. But that is only before the addendum is taken into consideration!"
"Add..? What addendum!?" Dr. Löef laughed in disbelief.
"The Addendum to the Contest of Special to solve the matter of Leadership Crisis in the Storsvenska Riket av Arisk Nation", Radam answered. "An addendum written by myself. I had Lusk sign it along with the five hundred other ideas of law we stole from the Italian states after we conquered them."
Radam gave the parchment to a guard called Pakistan Helmy. He looked it over. "The King's signature, unfalsified. ...Well, upon closer inspection it seems he's unsuccessfully tried to falsify it, then crossed it out and tricked Lusk into signing it underneath. Ahem. 'Upon completion of the Contest of Special, described fully and with unnecessary depth in the article this text is an addendum to, shall the victor of the Contest of Special be crowned Koung of Storsvenska Riket of Arisk Nation and all her domains, unless the losing contender swallows the load of a person born in the New World, within three hours before completion of the Contest, which under described conditions shall grant the losing contendant the crown of Storsvenska Riket av Arisk Nation and all her domains in the winner's place.'"
"It was supposed to mean gay sex, but I got Harvey's load in my stomach alright", Radam said while showing his bullet wound.
"May I see that parchment, Ser Pakistan?" Dr. Löef took the parchment. "'The crown of Storsvenska Riket av Arisk Nation and all her domains'. Is this meant to be your shield, Lord Smetenskij? A piece of paper?" He tried to rip the parchment apart, but since it was an Ontsby scroll, it was indestructible and his efforts futile.
"No," Radam quipped as he drew forth a second object from under his coat. "But I have this!"

It was a white-gray chunk of metal, no larger than it could fit in Radam's hand. The guards around Radam collapsed as Radam got up on his feet. The material glowed lightly and lit up Radam's face as he was talking. "I call it Insanium. It is the rarest material in the known worlds, only found in asteroids in deep space. The little data I have found on it suggests it has caused the deaths of countless worlds since the creation of the universe. Close contact with even small chunks like this is deadly to all known lifeforms." Dr. Löef hurried away as Radam walked towards Lusk. The guards who stood their ground immediately fell to the ground. Lusk charged Radam in a fit of rage, but when he got close, even the mighty Lusk collapsed and started to bleed from his nose and ears. "The only ones immune to its effects are those of us who are out of our minds, stark raving mad!" Radam said as he smiled madly. He spoke to the crowd. "Witness the false Koung bleeding on the ground. Know your true ruler to be GÜISS⦻N, son of Klerkkon and rightful Koung by law." He adressed Lusk. "Once you've come to your senses, pretender, come visit me at Castle Börran. Kneel before me and maybe I'll let you serve me as Mayor of Earground."

Radam then raised his chin and fired a rainbow-colored beam from his beard that struck an opening through the sea of guards. Radam walked through it to a car where his HA Mickä Eastlund waited. Half the guards followed Radam, and half stayed behind to tend to Lusk. Radam went home to Castle Börran, and was once again sworn in as Koung of Storsvenska Riket av Arisk Nation in a much televised coronation. When Lusk had recovered, he angrily ordered to be taken home to Castle Kavaröbridgeway in order to be sworn in as the rightful Koung in a just as televised coronation as Radam's.


And from this day on, Storsvenska Riket had two Kings, both proclaiming themselves to the be true one. Outside the personal demesne of the Koungs, the Kingdom is confused when the orders of the Kings contradict each other, and usually picks the order to follow randomly. This was first subject of laughing for other nations and Soviet provinces, thinking the northern Kingdom to be doomed. But to the surprise of the critics, Storsvenska Riket has flourished under its new chaotic rule. The extra chaos hardens the Swedish citizens and having two God-Emperors instead of one has effectively doubled the morale of Swedish citizens. Subjects like Edgar Mihailov, ruler of Balticum, have continously praised the new system of Two Koungs, saying it has made the Baltic States stronger and more prosperous than ever. The Swedish military is at its strongest since the 1700's, and experts say a new golden age of Sweden is dawning.